Saturday, October 20, 2007; 1:22 AM

i think before all this shit happened, i was a relatively happy girl in NUS. but i can't change that right now. i want to quit so damn badly, but i can't abandon the rest of the exco. i dont think i have ever felt so depressed in my entire life. yes, even worse that during my prelims. have you ever had the feeling that you want to cry every second for the whole day? well, today's my day. my eyes are currently swollen. O.O <- yes like that.

1. telling me that he and tara are doing everything for me and that i'm not doing any work. and saying that now that he's busy with all the sponsors meeting, he cannot help me do my stuff anymore
2. blaming me that all the publicity materials are not up when he's the one who doesn't want to print yet. tara told him to print on wednesday but he didn't do a damn thing. now when i want to print, he said not yet. and after that, telling me that i don't have to consult him or tara and just print it on my own accord.
3. blaming me that publicity wave has to be postponed AGAIN.
4. blaming me that there are no posters and postcards. i did 6 posters for him. and he doesn't want to use any. and he blames me. postcards... he wants use his damn photoshoot pictures. how the hell do you want me to do it when i'm not like jerry, a photoshop pro, and he has all the photos with him?
5. telling me that he has to get a PUBLICATIONS MANAGER coz i can't do posters. fine, go and get someone else to do. he can be the publicity head for all i care.
6. telling me that he's tired of defending me in front of all the seniors when they say everyone's taking my work and i'm not doing anything.
7. telling me that all the other comm heads are so tired because they're doing all my work. note, i didn't even ask him to pass my work to them. my comm members were contacting the schools and he just told ziping to take over. how in the world is that my fault?
8. blaming me for not being initiative enough to come up with publicity wave proposals and that i have to turn to him for help all the time when he INSISTS that i send the proposals to him before i can do anything. how can i take initiative when he doesn't want to listen to whatever i say and suggest?
9. telling me that he's tired because he's the one coming up with website design coz my comm wouldn't do it. i already told him upteem times that nobody in my comm knows how to do it. it's not our fault that we have never learnt it before. blaming me that ziping's friend has to help us do.
10. telling me that he's tired of promising sponsors that our publicity waves will be big when it is not because i'm not doing anything.
11. blaming me for inefficiency, like during photoshoot, nobody brought lamps. the funny thing is, my comm members brought all the other props and he didn't even freaking use it.
12. blaming me that my comm is not doing anything.
13. claiming that jenna has gotten all the venues for TQ when that is completely nonsensical. jenna only got zouk. is that all the venues?
14. well, basically implying that i SUCK, i'm USELESS and INEFFICIENT.

he doesn't stop to think whatever he has said. does he honestly think i haven't done anything for TQ? not to be arrogant or whatsoever, did he ever think that without me, he would be able to get 98.7fm to sponsor? everytime he wants connection, he comes to me. when he doesn't, he just blames me. sure, put all the blame on me.

have you ever been shot at with so many things in just 40 minutes? well, i have now. and let me tell you, it doesn't feel good at all. not after when you have done whatever you can.

yes, after he told me all those, i wanted to cry when he left can. mich was just sitting there and being a bystander while he shot everything at me. i freaking knew he was going to do that when he said he wanted to talk to me. walao. he practically ruined my day.

1. i had NO appetite for lunch.
2. i had NO mood to go for vietnamese. yes, i ponned by the way.
3. from the time he 'lectured' me, i have been crying whenever i can.
4. i cried on the bus on the way home.
5. i still had NO appetite for dinner.
6. going back to an empty house and crying in the shower.

and i haven't been eating proper meals for 3 days. on weds, i only had lunch at 2PM. yesterday, lunch at 4PM. and today, i didn't even eat a single meal. with all these around, do you honestly think i would have the appetite to eat? i don't even intend to eat tomorrow or sunday or any other day. and i have terrible headaches right now. it hurts so badly. it comes whenever i sit on buses. why? becauase i'm always doing posters and flyers on the bus. and he still comes and tell me that i don't do anything.

i'm hungry now. after 3 days of no proper food. but i just don't want to eat. i really have no appetite. hopefully i'll starve to death or something. i was telling mich that i want to kill myself or get myself into a coma so that he'll feel guilty for the rest of his life.

my life doesn't revolve around TQ only. i have school work, and i'm doing horribly at maths and econs. i have my own family problems. my dad keeps taking money from my mom and aunties like nobody's business. his business in beijing is obviously not going well but he still wants to go back and do it. he's going to be sued by a number of companies for not paying them. and because of this, i am intending to find a job so that i can support myself and not depend on my mom. i have grade 8 theory exam in 2 weeks and i haven't been able to sit down and do my exam papers because i've been spending all my time doing TQ stuff. so tell me, are you more tired or am i more tired? yes, you have to meet sponsors, you have to do your hall activities. but you are PHYSICALLY tired. i am MENTALLY exhausted. so many things are revolving around me. family problems are the worst.

basically, i just feel like shit now. this is seriously the lowest time of my life right now. notice that i'm not typing a lot of 'scolding' words. but inside, i really cannot take it anymore. i'm not appreciated for whatever i have done, for the amount of effort i put in, for the hours i have put in, for the hours i've sacrificed spending time with my mom. so what's the point of me staying in the comm? since EVERYONE else is so successful with their jobscope and i'm not, why don't you just fire me and split the work with the other comm members like what you're doing now? i'm not needed. i'm not important to the comm. why should i stay and continued being blamed by you? i don't care if TQ fails this year.

note, even if i'm 'LOL-ing' with you guys on msn, it means nothing. i don't want to bother anyone about this. so just treat as if nothing's wrong with me. i'd rather suffer alone than affect other people.

pub comm meeting again tomorrow. he wants the pub wave to be big. i dunno how big he wants it to be when he shoots down whatever my comm suggests.

i want my life back. i want to get out of this shit.

i want to quit school.

but can i really?